I am a douche.

Seriously.

If I could kick my own ass right now, I totally would.

About five months ago I wrote a short story about my friend dying of stomach cancer. It wasn't very long, but I felt it conveyed how I felt the last time I saw her, and I found it extremely therapeutic at the time.

I showed it to one person.

He encouraged me to share it. I resisted, because it was so intensely personal and I'll admit, I was a bit embarrassed because it's so emotional and I have a hard time sharing that with others.

I thought of it today, because October 21st marked the first year anniversary of her death, and I've been thinking about her.

I finally felt ready to share it.

But guess what?

I typed it up on the computer at work, which recently had it's hard drive completely erased.

I have no back up copies.

At the time I wrote it, I printed one copy.

It is nowhere to be found.

I want to cry.

I've scoured my emails, my floppies, flash drive, every single book I own.

It's gone.

I suspect that I may have left it in the library book I was reading at the time. A short story collection by Amy Hempel. I've decided to try and locate the copy I had checked out, and maybe just maybe it's inside the book.

There are five different copies. I am going to check out every single one.

I pray that I find it.

Sorry there haven't been any updates for awhile, I've been on vacation for the last 11 days! :)

As much as I'd like to compose a post of great wit right now I am a)exhausted and b) feeling a bit like my eyes want to bleed from all the catch up blog reading I've been doing, so it will have to wait another day.

A quick summary in bullet points:

::::Becky and I got to meet Mark in RL, who is very cool, and quite the tetris player.
::::Driving to Ontario Canada and back is very flat, boring, and much like driving in wood county.
::::I have reason to believe that I've acquired a serious scrabulous habit.
::::Oh yeah, and did I mention that Mark is teh coolest? :P

Pics and links to follow soonish.

Night.

I bought the coolest dinosaur hats at a halloween store today! Check them out:



I just can't get over how awesome they are! :D

Tommorrow afternoon Eddie and I are participating in the 2007 Out of the Darkness Community Walk. It's my first year doing the walk, and I am excited to be a part of it. I am walking to honor the memory of a client that committed suicide a couple of years ago. It was someone that I had worked with for awhile and was totally unexpected. Hopefully programs like this will help raise awareness and reduce the stigma surrounding suicide.

Ahhh! The internet is slowly eating me alive.

::::Between facebook, myspace, the blogosphere, and wikipedia I've been doing a lot of sitting on my ass lately. I seriously have spent probably three hours on the web today. Ghastly. I feel like I need to be doing something a little more constructive with my time. So I've decided that I will be trying to learn some new skills like juggling, card tricks, or maybe even pick up my long abandoned guitar. My problem is that I start a million projects, but never finish a single one. I lose my zeal. An unfortunate character flaw I guess. Without deadlines or expectations, things just kind of fall by the wayside. I should work on that. Maybe tomorrow....

::::Why is it that childhood memories of certain things seem so incredibly awesome, then end up being totally lame when revisited as an adult? Is it that you have more life experiences to compare it to? Or do we just become old and jaded? Everything's smaller, dirtier, lackluster.

Before it was magical, now it just seems tired and forced. :(

::::You know what I hate? Girl mind games. One of my friends is being a total lame-o and being extremely passive aggressive instead of just saying what she means/what she wants. I am not a mind reader. You can drop all the hints you want, but unless you have the balls to just tell me to my face, I'm just going to go ahead and do what I want. If you aren't willing to be honest, then I am going to make you tell me. I will not pander to your bullshit and play along with your stupid little games. You are not subtle. You think you have me fooled, but truth be told, I would rather just let you believe that than point it out and have you lie about it instead.

Grrrr.

::::During my three hours on the internet today I drew this for Mark, and I'm pretty proud of it so now you get to see it too.