I'm doing the happy dance.

Today was my last day working at a crap job that I’ve wanted to leave for an extremely long time. While I very much enjoyed some of my coworkers and will miss them, the work was generally thankless, and I often found myself surrounded by ineptitude.

As I was lying in bed this morning, it actually crossed my mind to not even show up at all. I had it all planned out. I’d just sleep in, and not answer the phone. What would they have done about it? But as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t bring myself to do so. So I did the responsible thing and reported for duty one last time. I was rewarded with cake and hugs, so I guess it was worth it. It also presented the opportunity to be mean to whomever I chose, and not do things simply because I didn’t want to.

Right. Who am I kidding? I didn’t make any fuss at all. In fact, while normally I would relish being mean to customers, I was actually quite nice because I kept thinking “I will never have to do this again.” (So I would hope!)

So needless to say, I am very happy right now. And yes, I did in fact do a happy dance several times today. Won’t you join me?

Sexy Washers?

I was at the laundry mat last week, and I had to wonder. Where are all the cute guys that allegedly hang out there?

The laundry mat is always depicted in movies and commercials as this cool place to hang out and meet people. Everyone’s attractive, everything’s clean, and the colors are all somehow magically complementary in a hip, retro kind of way. Somehow, everything is sexy and fun. Even the washers.

You know the scenario. We’re both alone, waiting for our laundry to dry. We start to talk, and within a mere half hour, we are folding our underwear across from each other and exchanging saucy banter.

Then there’s reality.

Everything’s wet. The air is muggy and oppressive. The radio is set to some station playing shitty AM gold crap. You look in the vending machine, and there’s dust on everything. It looks like it hasn’t been stocked in several decades. In fact, when you look at the labels, there’s some stuff in there you don’t even recognize, it’s that old.

When you try to play the one arcade game in the place to try and pass some time, you find out the buttons don’t even work, and then it won’t give you you’re money back when you hit coin return. The only things to read are some Watchtower Society pamphlets that some Jehovah’s Witness left there, and some Avon catalogs.

There are no hotties anywhere in sight. Not even close. You look around and here’s what you see:

An old guy reading the paper.

Morbidly obese guy loading a washer and sweating like there’s no tomorrow.

Some guy in his mid thirties wearing a t-shirt with the sleeves cut off and gym shorts. He’s got sweat spots all over his shirt like he just got done working out and couldn’t be bothered to change his shirt on the way over. Gross.

Oh yeah, and the one mom that’s always there with her three or four annoying kids that won’t shut up.


Maybe there is some laundry mat somewhere filled with young, attractive men, but it sure as hell isn’t the one that I go to.

Cheese Smuggler

I found this on Reuters UK and thought it was pretty funny.

Imagine the DEA phone tap transcript of that conversation:
"I've got the shit man. 40 kilos of 100% pure premium queso!"

I guess I'll just have to settle for getting my quesadillas from Taco Bell.

An Actual Lunch Conversation

#1: Dude, if you fart in space, does it push you forward?

#4: I suppose, it’s just basic propulsion.

#3: But are you in a suit? Because if you are, it would be contained and you would remain motionless.

#1: No dude, you’re totally in a shuttle.

#2: Are you in deep space? As opposed to low Earth orbit?

#1: I’m talking about zero gravity dude.

#2: Well, I suppose if you farted with enough force it would most likely spin you in a circle.

#1 and #2 begin to make farting noises with their mouths. #3 rolls her eyes, while #4 and #5 laugh like immature high school kids.

#1: The intensity of the fart would affect distance traveled. For instance, a really big fart would propel you farther than a smaller one. Dude, your ass could be like a jet pack if you could get a series of farts going!

#2: Yeah, and if you wanted to stop you could burp.

#4: This is the nerdiest conversation ever.