Food for Thought?

I was hanging out with my mother when she revealed this pearl of wisdom:

"Americans stink because they eat too much cheese."

I must be the stinkiest person on earth because I LOVE cheese. Good thing I wear deodorant. :)

On a complete tangent, I saw this on the Found Magazine Website, and it made my heart melt a little.

Apologies for the recent lack of updatage! Work has been really nuts the last few days, and it has really tired me out! So here's a brief summary of the last week or so....In pictures!

::::Last weekend I went to Oktoberfest with some friends. It was alot of fun, and much beer and brats were consumed. The two guys in the picture below were some highschoolers we met there and they were quite the ladies men as you can see.



After Oktoberfest, we decided to hit up a local bar called Slam Jams. Sounds classy, huh? Our senses were violated with the ear bleeding sounds of hip hop and top 40 pop music. While sitting at the bar we noted that half the tv's were set to BET while the others were set to the history channel doing a black and white special on the Holocaust. The irony was apparently lost on everyone but us.

::::The other day I was in kroger when I saw these in the international foods section:


And here's some other chips I found at big lots:



Some crazy bar bathroom graffiti:



And a sign I saw at the bank:


That's all I have for now. There are other pictures on flickr, if you're bored and want to look at them.

Kids say the darnedest things

A called me last night with a funny story that I just have to share.

A: "I just got off the phone with my mom. I guess E* (A's son) got in trouble tonight."

Me: "Oh really? What did he do?"

A: "Well he drew a picture of Cartman for C, and he put in a little speech bubble that said 'I'm a fat ass bitch!'"

Me: "And why did he think that this was an appropriate picture to give to C?"

A: "I asked him that, and you know what he said?

'But mom, you have a picture on your fridge that says 'I want an ass sandwich'

And I thought, Oh my god! I do!"

Me: *laughing uncontrollably* "I know exactly what picture you're talking about!"

*When he was quite a bit younger, A's son once helpfully commented to a local waitress that she'd "lost her teeth". He then kindly offered to help her find them.

I'm at work and it smells like ketchup in the office. Not strongly, but I get a whiff of it every once in awhile.

I've looked everywhere. No logical reason for why I should be smelling it. Am I going crazy?

Wait, don't answer that question.

One of my coworkers brought her dog into work today.

"Aw, he's cute! What's his name?"

"His name is Zach. It's short for Zacheeus, because he's a wee little man!"
*laughs like this is the cleverest thing EVER*



Lame.

A rant about the local health department.

I absolutely abhor going to the county health department. Unfortunately, it is a necessary evil since I have to get a yearly TB test for work and the health department is the only place I can get this done.

It's full of poor people, babies, and small children, and anyone who knows me knows that I absolutely despise two of the above. (Poor people aren't so bad.)

I joke of course.

But seriously. Denizens of the local trailer parks with huge cross tattoos wearing dirty clothes followed by obnoxious children with runny noses that insist on touching EVERYTHING with their sticky fingers (including me), people that can't speak english, high school dropouts, it really is a collection of the county's finest.

I always schedule an appointment, so I have to spend as little time in the waiting room as possible.

Apparently it doesn't matter if you have an appointment, you still have to wait for at least 30 minutes to get seen.

Allow me to give you an example.

I scheduled an appointment. I showed up about 5 minutes early, signed in on the sheet, and filled out my paperwork. I waited. Then I waited some more. About 20 minutes had gone by, so I asked the receptionist how much longer. She said "Just a few more minutes." I sat back down. Several walk ins show up without appointments, and they got service pretty much immediately. I also note that they all have small children. Twenty minutes have gone by. I go back up to the desk. "I thought you said it wouldn't be much longer. I've been waiting 40 minutes! And I have an appointment!" The receptionist looks at me blankly, like she didn't just speak to me less than a half hour ago. "Did you sign in on the sheet?" I answer with a terse "yes". She picks up the clipboard, looks through her bifocals and says "Oh! We must've skipped you! Have a seat. We'll be with you in about five minutes."

I wanted to bash her in the head with her telephone and strangle her to death with the cord. Instead I sat back down.

The ironic thing about me having to wait so long is that a TB test takes maybe a minute, two tops to complete. I had just spent three quarters of an hour waiting for someone to inject .1 ml of fluid into my arm. It's ridiculous. Apparently my lack of child means that my time is less valuable, and can be wasted. (Which it is--wasted that is--but I'll decide when and where that happens!) I just need to find some little kid I can bribe into going with me, so I can get service faster. Or a baby. That would be even better!

"Oh are we seeing little Timmy today?"

"Nope, I just need a TB test. Couldn't get my usual sitter to watch him, she's hungover. You know how it is."

"Right this way."
*Cue the angelic chorus, I walk towards a door bathed in bright light*

At last, I'd get the service I deserve at that hell hole.

Mark's talk of people wearing promotional costumes for work made me think of an old post that I've decided to repost here.

So here it is, coming to you from March 19th, 2006:

Celebrating the man in a cow suit...

Yesterday while driving to the grocery store, Eddie and I spotted a guy wearing a cow suit in front of Squeakers Vegetarian Cafe. Next to him was a sign proclaiming the event to be "The Great Meat Off". Excited at the sight of someone wearing a bovine costume in the middle of the day, we promptly rolled down our windows and gave him a vigorous thumbs up while waiting at the traffic light.

Encouraged by our behavior, he began to articulate on the healthfulness of green tea: "You see I am a cow, and that is why I am drinking this green tea with lemongrass in it. It is much healthier for you than milk."

Later in the evening, we told one of our friends about the guy in the suit. He responded with the following: "I don't know why you guys were cheering him on. You two are some milk drinking, meat eating motherfuckers."

This is true. Honestly, we were just so delighted to see a guy in a cow suit. People should do it more often. Yay for cow suits!

Get your cow on!

Follow up to the Karaoke Post

Here's the video my friend shot of a particularly awful karaoke performance. Just to warn you, the camerawork is a bit dodgy because we were all quite drunk. Enjoy!

I wonder where he is now?

It was oppressively hot yesterday, and it reminded me of something a former coworker once said*:

(spoken in a serious demeanor with waterboy undertones) "It's very monkey outside."

"Dude, did you just say it's very monkey outside??!!??"

"eh,eh...." shifts uncomfortably back and forth. "No, I said it's very muggy outside."

"You totally said monkey!" coworker runs off. "Barr harr harr!"

Sometime after he quit, someone at work said that they'd heard that waterboy had died. Several months later he came through the drive thru.

"Dude! I totally thought you were dead!"

"Eh...no. I work at such and such factory."

"Do you remember that time you said it was monkey outside?"

Waterboy sped off and was never seen again.

*This happened a long time ago. Events may not have transpired exactly as written, but you get the general idea.