List-o-rama
Inspired by this, I've made a couple of my own.
My ex-roomate was so ghetto...
1) "I know that movie is yours….I was going to bring it back if you noticed it was gone after I moved."
2) "Oh sorry. I let my boyfriend eat the last of your hotpockets when he came over last night."
3) "Silly, why would I buy my own shampoo when I can just use yours?"
4) "I’d give you money for bills, except I spent all of it on pot and beer. Hit me up next payday."
5) "Hey, check it out! I stole this crack rock out of my friend’s mom’s purse. Wanna smoke it?"
6) "You know that new chair you just bought? I totally had sex with my boyfriend on it."
7) "That stain on your sweatshirt I borrowed? Yeah, I tried washing it, and it won’t come out. Oh well. Sucks for you!"
8) "Since my boyfriend is in jail, he has to call collect to talk to me. That’s why the phone bill is $300."
9) "Guess what? I got fired today because I stole a chicken sandwich."
10) "Like the new stereo I got for Christmas? My mom gave it to me. It’s hot*."
* as in stolen, not Paris Hilton.
Things My Mom Said to Me During My Teenage Years
1) "I prayed for him to break up with you."
2) "You went to the movies with him alone? Why don’t you just have sex with him, you slut!"
3) "Pink Floyd! I know what they stand for…Drugs!"
4) "She was dressed like the strange woman of Babylon."
5) "You pierced your navel? Oh, I am so ashamed!"
Wow, that's like four years of my life wrapped up into two minutes worth of reading. I do want to note that my mother has mellowed over the years, but occasionally she does wax religious on my ass. But it makes life interesting, you know? And probably explains a lot about why I am such a weirdo. I should write a book. Nah, I'm too lazy.
posted by colonel eggroll @ 10:03 AM
13 Comments:
So, hey, where would one go to meet these strange women of Babylon? They sound easy.......
My mom, on several occasions, dropped a "You're pregnant aren't you???" on me. Which is funny considering....
"occasionally she does wax religious on my ass"
I bet that sounded great in your head but on the page it's just a bad, bad image.
Rev. H-Don't you know? Those painted jezebels are everywhere!
Winter-Yeah, my mom asked me a couple of times if I was on drugs. Strangely, the are you pregnant question never came up. Probably because she figured my flower patterned onesie with parachute pants would keep any male away from me for miles....=)
Mark-You see, my real secret is that I have a hairy ass. So my mommy waxes it for me. :D
11) How bout we get it on and you rate me 1-5? Then, if you like what you got, you can come back fo' some mo' (thus eliminating necessity of 1-5 grading system)
6) Me so rucky to walk down aisre with such handsome man
Vyvyan Basterd-You silver tongued bastard! You sure know how to get a woman going. I can see why my mom fancies you.
I had totally forgotten about the bicurious roomate thing. What is it with chicks wanting to get in my pants? And why is it always the scary ones?
Bicurious roommate? I was talking about her desiring entry into MY pants. Wait, which roommate are you even talking about?
I'm so confused :(
Wait, I'm confused too, which one of them was coming on to you?
V.B. and Winter-We are talking about V aren't we? Her and J were constantly acting like they wanted to slap clams with each other, she once asked me if I'd ever do anything with a girl.
I was wondering why you said the thing about the scale. My bad. Now I feel like an ass. =(
V.B, didn't all three of my roomates (orwig included) want into your pants?
V and J slapping clams conjures images of the harsh realities of lesbianism, contrary to what HBO's "Busty Cops 2" would have me believe.
But, now we're all on the same page, allow me to propose 12) Last name is "Pickens". (I wouldn't be concerned about legal repercussions of revealing her last name; after all, it has been said that an infinite number of monkeys given infinite time could write the entire works of Shakespeare; however, 2 monkeys who can barely read and can't even afford a phone line are nothing to be concerned about.
Finally, yes all three of your roommates (V, Orwig and Eddie) have tried to jump my bones at some poimt.
V.B-Yeah, reality is a bitch. I'll let you know if I start getting any hate mail. I keep waiting for the day that one of my former nemesi find me via "the google". Hell, it would kind of be funny and blogworthy indeed.
You mean eddie likes dudes? Aw crap!
Yeah, you can kind of tell just by looking at him (the penis hanging out of his mouth totally gives it away).
Your mum said that? Holy shite! I thought my mum was harsh!
Post a Comment
<< Home